


The Lies We Tell Ourselves

by emperorssmile



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Everything Hurts, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 08:17:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18807283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperorssmile/pseuds/emperorssmile
Summary: A breakdown of 3x18 because it's missing Malec hours.





	The Lies We Tell Ourselves

_Fine. I’m in pain._  

Alexander looked away. He knew he would never be strong enough to look Magnus in the face if he was to continue living this lie. His own words burned in his ears. Over twenty years of manipulation to continue the Lightwood Legacy of which his parents had created and cast upon their children had finally come in handy. Even when he was closeted, ashamed, and angry, Alec had never hated himself as badly as he did now. 

 _But your solution to break up? H-how is that going to fix anything?_  

Nothing would prepare him for this. Nothing could prepare him for this. He had to look away again as he grabbed a hold of his bearings. Just five words. Five simple…words:

 **There is no fixing this.**  

Not expecting Magnus’ devastation to hold his stare, Alec knew he had to keep talking. He knew Magnus wouldn’t let him go. He knew nothing with Magnus was simple, which was one of the million reasons why Alexander loved him. 

 **You said, there’s nothing I can do to make it better.**  

Alec prayed to angels he knew didn’t care, that Magnus would just stop. That Magnus would stand down.

 

 _It’s not your job to make it better!_

**Then what am I supposed to do? Just…stand by and watch you suffer for the rest of our lives?**

_Okay, okay. This-this isn’t you. You’re…not this selfish—Days ago you told me that you couldn’t bear to lose me._

 

Alec begged any deity listening to make this torture stop. Magnus kept pushing and fighting, grappling to sink his fingers into whatever was left of the relationship Alec was trying his damnedest to end.

He swallowed and let out a small exhale. Alec could feel himself pulling away. He could feel himself slipping into the shell of a man he’d thought he’d never be again: aloof, cold, reserved. He clenched his jaw to keep himself from ruining everything. He clenched his jaw to keep a lifetime of apologies for lying to Magnus at bay. Alexander knew exactly what it was he had to say, but by the Angel, he’d rather take his own life than hurt Magnus in this way. He knew he had to not only create a wound in Magnus, but rip it so wide and pour so much salt that Magnus would never give him a second glance.

 

* * *

 

A past conversation came to mind:

 

 **Look, I know how important magic is to you, but it is really worth dying for? Magnus, answer me.**  

 _Maybe_. 

**How can you even say that?**

_I am nothing without my magic. You fell in love with Magnus Bane the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don’t feel differently about me? Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?_

 

* * *

 

Three.

Two.

One.

 

**Days ago, I didn’t know the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good.**

_No, no, no please. I’ve lost everything._

 

It was muscle memory to stop and face Magnus whenever he spoke. Alec hated that his body betrayed him and turned so Magnus could address him face to face. He’d been screaming at his legs to just keep walking, but his heart yanked the reins momentarily, nearly throwing his entire plan off track.

Pressed gently against a pillar, he exhaled to busy his mouth so his lips wouldn’t betray him as well. Alec looked away.

 _I lost my home, my job, my-my powers. I can’t lose you too, Alec._  

Hands framing his neck, thumbs brushing his cheekbones, Alec’s heart yearned. He had never felt this kind of pain before. He’d grown up in a world of regimentation and loss. Nephilim knew their lifespans were short, so they gave it their all: they fought to maintain legacies. The disappointment in his father’s gaze after abandoning Lydia at the altar didn’t hurt this badly. The shame and resentment he felt in thick, suffocating waves ebb off his mother for decades didn’t hurt this badly. Abusing the bond he had with his parabatai in an attempt to track him, back arching off the bed as he cried out in pain, hadn’t hurt this badly. Feeling the angels rip away his angelic bond with his parabatai didn’t even begin to touch the surface of the pain he was feeling now. Nephilim knew their lifespans were short, so they gave it their all: that’s why loving Magnus had been so easy. 

How could he not lean close? How could he not rest his forehead against Magnus’? How does one turn their back away from home when it’s right in front of them, as loving and safe and warm as ever, begging for their return?

He knew it was coming. He’d heard the familiar soft inhale of breath Magnus always prefaced their kisses with. He’d felt Magnus’ hands cup him closer. He’d felt Magnus step in. Every beat of his heart was a punch. It was a thrash. It was a scream and a cry. Alexander’s very soul wept.

Magnus kissed him.

They stayed suspended shortly after, Magnus unknowingly holding the shattered remains of his boyfriend. Alec’s resolve was weakening.

Alec kissed Magnus back twice. Call him greedy. Call him a bastard. Nothing anyone could say would ever amount to how much he hated himself.

_Stay with me. Okay? C’mon, stay with me._

The same touch that calmed him amidst moments of stress, anger, anxiety, fears, smoothed against the base of his neck. The same touch that made Alec realize the world could make sense, that the world _had_ made sense…that who Alexander was from day one had _always_ made sense…

**Magnus…**

 The punching and thrashing and screaming and crying in his chest stopped. A once rich and powerful heart began to power down. What was the point in anything if he couldn’t have his everything? Alec reminded himself he was doing this for Magnus. Magnus was the undercurrent of every decision, of every heartbeat. Magnus was the echo of his thoughts.

He could feel Magnus trembling. He could sense Magnus breaking. Alec had to keep reminding himself that in the long run, this would be worth it. That this was a pain Magnus could live through. That Magnus had loved in the past and would be able to love again.

**I can’t.**

Alec had never spoken so softly before. The Nephilim knew that had he talked any louder, he’d fracture what little strength he had left. He knew that if he talked any louder, his voice would crack and gaze would give. Since day one, Magnus Bane had always been able to read him like a book but unlike everyone else, Magnus Bane refused to play him like a fiddle. Magnus had always respected his boyfriend’s autonomy. Alec knew this. He knew once he pulled away that this would be the end. That he’d never feel full of warmth and light and happiness of Magnus Bane ever again. He knew he’d never feel like he belonged ever again. He knew he would never have the honor of loving Magnus Bane, ever again. Alec knew that saying goodbye to Magnus was saying goodbye to a life that was more than work and duty. But it was his price to pay if it meant Magnus had his magic back.

Unable to look Magnus in the eye, he saw the other stumble back, hands still outstretched. 

**I’m sorry.**

The door to his mother’s bookstore had never felt so heavy. Its aged hinges had never sounded so loud. The streets of New York had never been so cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Tag me in your tweets at @magnvslightwood  
> Any and all commentary is welcomed.  
> Memes are always a plus.


End file.
